Before & after Swine Flu

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How to hold on while the train is in motion

How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.



I am referring to the older gentleman by the door!!! But you knew that.

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A Car Accident and A Bottle Of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'..

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't mess with women

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Teacher and Johnny

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and
what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Panado?

Teacher:- Very good! And what is it used for?

pupil:- It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Piriton.

Teacher:- Excellent. And what it is used for?

Second Pupil:-To help you sleep.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra.

Teacher:-Johnny, What is it used for?

Johnny:- I think it can be used for diarrhea.

Teacher: Who told you this?

Johnny:- Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, may
be that little shit will get harder'.

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AN ABSOLUTELY BRILLANT JOKE

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Your husband will get ten times what you get. She said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an
Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. '

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are not smart but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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